I'm sitting here and the house is quiet. But you know, it's that TOO quiet kinda feeling.

I'm wondering; as I sit here and watch my 2 year old (soon to be three year old....sniff, sniff... don't even get me started) napping.... and the feeling I have in my pit on my stomach..... in the small, hollow, empty spot of my heart.... it brings tears to my eyes.

I love this boy more than life itself.

And of course.... like most mothers... in the still of the quietness; in the lull of the tv show and the loud TICK-TOCK of the clock above my head.... in the peaceful, heart-stopping, mind racing stillness of the day.... I'm wondering.... have I told him that enough lately.

And as I sit here and look over at him sleeping, I get this ping of sadness over the fact that just a little over a week ago, his brother was here, laughing with him and causing all kinds of raucous with him. And I sigh as the fresh tears pour from my eyes and only then do I realize.... as much as I've tried so hard to be all positive and cheery to my kids about Elijah going home with his dad, stepmom and new baby brother..... I want to scream- it's not right. It's hasn't been long enough. Dear god, just a few more days! (Till after such, I will scream out just a few more!)

I love these kids more than life itself.

It's not right. I mean I understand it, but it's still not right. I get to look forward to the weeks (8 out of the year) that I have with my child... and in a Poof! it's gone.

I push aside the fresh vomit I can taste from the pits of my stomach to the lump in the back of my throat.

I cry in the loneliness of the shower days leading up to "goodbye" day, and I cry at night when my kids are snuggled up to either each other or me (depending on their preference for that night) and I push it aside again and again because these kids deserve to not have a mother that is falling apart inside at the thought of yet another goodbye.

I asked Elijah the day before he was to go home- "Are you SO excited about going home to see daddy and Sarah and your baby brother?" his response makes me shatter a little bit inside. "Yeah... I guess... but... Mommy. My home is here with you"

Um, what am I -- the expected wall of upbeat positivism and cheery-ness-- supposed to say to that?

Well, I said what I guessed I was expected to say "Babe, you can miss me and you can miss being here and that's understandable because god knows we all miss you SO much when you're not here; but you have two homes, and when the reality is that some kids don't have any place to call home; you're pretty lucky and blessed. You have SO many people around you that love you and want to see all the great things you're going to do-- and that's amazing because there aren't a lot of people that can say that. You have two brothers that you get to be a role model and an example for- isn't that pretty amazing? Let's talk about all the things that you can teach them as they grow....."

And even though I feel like a huge hypocrite because I'm telling my kid to look at all the bright sides of the crappy situation as I can't even hardly contain the tears in my throat that are protesting as quickly as I can get the words out..... but my son believes me. He sees the rainbow (that's nearly invisible) that I"m trying so desperately hard to point out to him... and he grabs a hold of it and hugs it.

One more hard goodbye is handled with care with god's holy arms wrapped around me; wiping the tears from my heart before they escape down my face.

I hold it together pretty well on the day of "goodbye". We have lunch with mom-mom and pop-pop and we make a plan to go to the toy store afterwards so that they can spend their gift card that Uncle got them for Christmas. I only have to win one race (Tears vs Safety of restroom) during the lunch, and I just keep ignoring the lump in the back of my throat even as a few times I can almost choke on my food, it's so prevalent

I try to laugh and smile and tell the kids a million and one times this day that I love them. It's not enough, but it will have to do because the older one gets a little bit annoyed quicker than the "good old days" when I could tell him from morning till night and he would always repeat it back without said annoyance in his tone.

Ethan's dad comes to get him for the night, and I try to explain that his brother is going home with HIS dad so he should kiss him and say byebye until next time. Of course, his two year old (sniff, sniff. almost three) brain doesn't quite get it... and although he says byebye and love yous and gives hugs and kisses.... I hope in my heart of hearts that he somehow does get it and won't have a universal meltdown when he gets back home and realizes his brother isn't there.

I knew the day would definitely come where there would be this incredible earth shattering sadness when Ethan DID realize that Elijah was going to be on a "goodbye" for a long while. I dreaded it and anticipated it, and every visit/"goodbye" I am anxious for it. That look on his sweet little innocent face when he realizes that it's not just a "see you later..." like as in TONIGHT..... but a "goodbye" for weeks/months.

It came. The day of New Year, January 1st, 2018...... when Ethan got back in the car with me.... and he said Elijah's name over and over again. I tried to make him understand, but I will never forget the look of brokenness that invaded his sweet face. He wanted nothing to do with me when he realized it. He didn't even want to look at me. Not even a trip to Bob Evans could do the trick. He was heartbroken. And I felt so completely a failure as a mother. It's one thing for ME to feel that in the pit of my stomach and to just sit there in the solitude of the shower floor crying my eyes out.... but how could I fix this for my little innocent boy?

I always concentrated so hard on making it ok for Elijah..... I never really thought about how I can make it easier for Ethan. "Elijah had to go to school" is what I told him.... but he wasn't even responding or making eye contact and the look on his face told me there would be a massive tsunami of tears if I didn't do something at lightening speed here.

"Do you want to talk to Elijah?" I asked
No response. I got him on the phone and even still Ethan would not acknowledge him. It wasn't until I said Ok well Elijah's got to go, say byebye! that a look of panic came over his face and he started yelling BYE BYE to ELijah and with his thumb placed in his mouth soothing himself; he said "I love you ELijah!"

I love these boys more than life itself.

I heard a bunch of people asking 'how was your new years celebration?'

And a lot of responses stopped me cold in my tracks. "Eh, was just another day"

Don't they realize.... it wasn't just another day. It was just another heartbreaking "goodbye" day.

Until next time,
Just Another One.