In case you were wondering.... it's been hard. 

The pain that has been in my life has been incredibly hard. But the joy that I have felt and the memories that I hold onto in my heart make the pain less hardened. 

I have two amazing children. 

Ethan, who is 2.5 is a strong willed, fiercely independent, incredibly frustrating, amazingly sweet little boy. He's 2, going on 30... which is a fantastic thing to watch every day because he was born 2 months premature. Ethan gave me the most difficult time on his journey into the world. I questioned everything and all of me every single day. I'll talk more about that later.

Elijah, well he's my wonderful, trying, impatient, affectionate 9.5 year old. Elijah is my heart. He's my number 1, my first.... my loyal, loving, little man. He has always been so loving to us; even when the world doesn't seem right to him. Even when people say or do bad things in front of; to; or around him. Elijah is the reason I still have faith. 

My children are where crazy meets laughter. 

On any given day, I question myself a million and one times. Just like any other mom. Ever since finding out about being pregnant with Elijah, and then 8 years later,  Ethan.... I've often wondered if I've been unknowingly cast in a neverending episode of "Punked!" or "Candid Camera!" .... between trying to juggle parenting a child that lives 500 miles away; and trying to be an advocate for a 2.5 year old mildly special needs child.... There isn't more than a minute or two that is actually MINE in a day, even long after said children are long asleep in bed. 

Take, for instance, the fact that right now, I am half watching a movie on lifetime. I've rewound the same 30 second dialogue between one semi-homicidal wife and her ex nanny-turned-lover to her husband. (I think that's what I've gotten out of the three times I've half listened to it anyway)... while I'm doing this, I'm also watching Ethan sleep, and running through in my mind if I remembered A-Z of the list of routine bedtime functions we do daily. Is it warm enough in here? Is he wearing warm enough PJ's? Is he sweating? Did I remember to kiss him goodnight? Was I too impatient with him today? Did I yell at him a lot? What is it that I am supposed to take him to tomorrow again? Wait.... HOW the hell can he possibly SLEEP like THAT?? 

See what I mean? Where the crazy meets laughter. 

Until next time,
Just another one.