I was having a conversation with my son about bullying today. And I kinda have a feeling it's not going to be the last time I have this kind of a conversation with him; and it kinda hurts my heart.

We were having lunch together at a Chinese buffet. I asked him about school, his favorite subject (he's in fourth grade), his least favorite subject, why each are each.... that led to what he was learning about, the books they are reading in class, what he likes to read about, etc. Eventually it led to the conversation about who his friends are, and who he doesn't get along with. I asked him why he doesn't get a long with the ones he doesn't; and his remark kind of made me laugh.

"Well, there's Alex, Alex is my arch enemy"..... I stifled a chuckle, and said that he wasn't a character in a fantasy novel; he shouldn't have someone whom he would refer to as an "arch enemy".

I asked why Alex was his "arch enemy" and what Alex did to make him feel that they can't be friends.

He said Well, I just don't like Alex.
I said Well, what did he do to make you not like him?

That's when he informed me that Alex is, in fact, a girl.

I stifled another incredulous laugh..... I know.... I don't know why I did, but I found it to be funny.

Anyway, it turns out that he doesn't like Alex because she is 'constantly' arguing with him and causing him grief. It all started over the spots on the carpet.

I said well what else do you argue about- the way the light dims over your desk?

He rolled his eyes and chuckled..... I said I think you secretly like this girl..... and he gave me the evil eye.

Ok, so sarcastic remarks, stifled laughs and evil glares aside, we started having the conversation about kids who are being mean in school and/or teasing him a lot. He says that the majority of the boys in his class (with the exception of a few) have been the ones to tease him, kind of relentlessly, and that I asked him who he plays with at recess.

"Mostly girls" He says.
Well what kind of things do you guys play? I asked.
"Mostly like games where we chase each other around and stuff"

"Well what kinds of things do the kids that tease you say?"
"Like they make fun of me because I'm not sporty like them" He replies, meekly.
"Just because you DON'T play in sports currently doesn't mean you aren't sporty" I replied

What I fear though, is that next year, he starts middle school; and we all know that bullying only progressively gets worse as kids get into their upper grade years. I worry that it's not going to matter what I say, and ultimately, I know that that's true. There is going to come a point and time in my kids' lives that my words aren't going to be in play anymore; they are going to fall on deaf ears. And I really, truly worry about that, especially with my first born here.... He has had to deal with so many trials and frustrations in his almost ten years of life... it's not fair. Life just doesn't get calmer or easier for him. He doesn't have the coping mechanisms or the self esteem that will withstand the degree of 'picking at' that middle and high school kids can dish out.

And then there's the fact that he recently had a run in with another student in school during which he made a pretty intense threat to that student, in a very immature yet serious way that elementary kids who don't think before they speak will do. He was punished in school for this threat; but now because there is a record of him making this threat, his father points out that in the future, any credibility that he is just "defending himself" as we would have ordinarily encouraged him to do will go out the window because he's on record as having made this threat. I can see where his father is coming from, but it is my fear that this is going to make our son a "target" for bullying in the future, because other kids will know that he won't do anything to defend himself, because his father and stepmother have both said that he should NOT defend himself because of the threat he made. I worry that we are giving our son the wrong idea. I fear that we are telling him basically go to school, suck it up and keep your head down. That's not fair, in my own personal opinion. And there are too many scenarios where this could go wrong.

Say, for instance, that E believes that a child who walks up to him and; for whatever or no reason at all; slaps him in the face..... that he should 'walk away, find a teacher and explain what happened'.... I know (and actually, everyone probably knows) what will happen..... he will be labeled a 'tattle-er' and he will get bullying for THAT.

So I stuck to what I've always said. I said "If someone continues to bully you and then puts his hands on you, you absolutely should defend yourself. Just make sure you have a witness to that person putting their hands on you FIRST. Have an alibi.... that should be your life's motto.... always have an alibi"

Of course, because I'm a mom, I fear I am screwing up my child's future. Of course I fear that I am teaching him the wrong thing. But I've been bullied, and I don't remember the hundreds of hits, punches, and/or pushes that have been blown to me..... I only remember the one that I dealt back.......

......Just before I got my glasses smacked off my face and broken on the floor.

I've always said it; and I will go to my grave living it: You had better not throw the first punch EVER, but you'd damn well better get the last one.

Am I teaching him right by telling him to defend himself? I don't know. But I can promise him that as long as I have breath and life; I will always try to advocate for him, and will stand by him protecting himself and those he cares about.

Until Next Time,
Just Another One.