I'm sitting here and the house is quiet. But you know, it's that TOO quiet kinda feeling.

I'm wondering; as I sit here and watch my 2 year old (soon to be three year old....sniff, sniff... don't even get me started) napping.... and the feeling I have in my pit on my stomach..... in the small, hollow, empty spot of my heart.... it brings tears to my eyes.

I love this boy more than life itself.

And of course.... like most mothers... in the still of the quietness; in the lull of the tv show and the loud TICK-TOCK of the clock above my head.... in the peaceful, heart-stopping, mind racing stillness of the day.... I'm wondering.... have I told him that enough lately.

And as I sit here and look over at him sleeping, I get this ping of sadness over the fact that just a little over a week ago, his brother was here, laughing with him and causing all kinds of raucous with him. And I sigh as the fresh tears pour from my eyes and only then do I realize.... as much as I've tried so hard to be all positive and cheery to my kids about Elijah going home with his dad, stepmom and new baby brother..... I want to scream- it's not right. It's hasn't been long enough. Dear god, just a few more days! (Till after such, I will scream out just a few more!)

I love these kids more than life itself.

It's not right. I mean I understand it, but it's still not right. I get to look forward to the weeks (8 out of the year) that I have with my child... and in a Poof! it's gone.

I push aside the fresh vomit I can taste from the pits of my stomach to the lump in the back of my throat.

I cry in the loneliness of the shower days leading up to "goodbye" day, and I cry at night when my kids are snuggled up to either each other or me (depending on their preference for that night) and I push it aside again and again because these kids deserve to not have a mother that is falling apart inside at the thought of yet another goodbye.

I asked Elijah the day before he was to go home- "Are you SO excited about going home to see daddy and Sarah and your baby brother?" his response makes me shatter a little bit inside. "Yeah... I guess... but... Mommy. My home is here with you"

Um, what am I -- the expected wall of upbeat positivism and cheery-ness-- supposed to say to that?

Well, I said what I guessed I was expected to say "Babe, you can miss me and you can miss being here and that's understandable because god knows we all miss you SO much when you're not here; but you have two homes, and when the reality is that some kids don't have any place to call home; you're pretty lucky and blessed. You have SO many people around you that love you and want to see all the great things you're going to do-- and that's amazing because there aren't a lot of people that can say that. You have two brothers that you get to be a role model and an example for- isn't that pretty amazing? Let's talk about all the things that you can teach them as they grow....."

And even though I feel like a huge hypocrite because I'm telling my kid to look at all the bright sides of the crappy situation as I can't even hardly contain the tears in my throat that are protesting as quickly as I can get the words out..... but my son believes me. He sees the rainbow (that's nearly invisible) that I"m trying so desperately hard to point out to him... and he grabs a hold of it and hugs it.

One more hard goodbye is handled with care with god's holy arms wrapped around me; wiping the tears from my heart before they escape down my face.

I hold it together pretty well on the day of "goodbye". We have lunch with mom-mom and pop-pop and we make a plan to go to the toy store afterwards so that they can spend their gift card that Uncle got them for Christmas. I only have to win one race (Tears vs Safety of restroom) during the lunch, and I just keep ignoring the lump in the back of my throat even as a few times I can almost choke on my food, it's so prevalent

I try to laugh and smile and tell the kids a million and one times this day that I love them. It's not enough, but it will have to do because the older one gets a little bit annoyed quicker than the "good old days" when I could tell him from morning till night and he would always repeat it back without said annoyance in his tone.

Ethan's dad comes to get him for the night, and I try to explain that his brother is going home with HIS dad so he should kiss him and say byebye until next time. Of course, his two year old (sniff, sniff. almost three) brain doesn't quite get it... and although he says byebye and love yous and gives hugs and kisses.... I hope in my heart of hearts that he somehow does get it and won't have a universal meltdown when he gets back home and realizes his brother isn't there.

I knew the day would definitely come where there would be this incredible earth shattering sadness when Ethan DID realize that Elijah was going to be on a "goodbye" for a long while. I dreaded it and anticipated it, and every visit/"goodbye" I am anxious for it. That look on his sweet little innocent face when he realizes that it's not just a "see you later..." like as in TONIGHT..... but a "goodbye" for weeks/months.

It came. The day of New Year, January 1st, 2018...... when Ethan got back in the car with me.... and he said Elijah's name over and over again. I tried to make him understand, but I will never forget the look of brokenness that invaded his sweet face. He wanted nothing to do with me when he realized it. He didn't even want to look at me. Not even a trip to Bob Evans could do the trick. He was heartbroken. And I felt so completely a failure as a mother. It's one thing for ME to feel that in the pit of my stomach and to just sit there in the solitude of the shower floor crying my eyes out.... but how could I fix this for my little innocent boy?

I always concentrated so hard on making it ok for Elijah..... I never really thought about how I can make it easier for Ethan. "Elijah had to go to school" is what I told him.... but he wasn't even responding or making eye contact and the look on his face told me there would be a massive tsunami of tears if I didn't do something at lightening speed here.

"Do you want to talk to Elijah?" I asked
No response. I got him on the phone and even still Ethan would not acknowledge him. It wasn't until I said Ok well Elijah's got to go, say byebye! that a look of panic came over his face and he started yelling BYE BYE to ELijah and with his thumb placed in his mouth soothing himself; he said "I love you ELijah!"

I love these boys more than life itself.

I heard a bunch of people asking 'how was your new years celebration?'

And a lot of responses stopped me cold in my tracks. "Eh, was just another day"

Don't they realize.... it wasn't just another day. It was just another heartbreaking "goodbye" day.

Until next time,
Just Another One.

You know, It's really hard to decide on what to write about here. Not because I don't have much to talk about; not because I don't have a million and one ideas or thoughts running through my mind of things to say.... but because I get a bit overwhelmed when deciding on the one topic to write about on any specific day/night. Is that silly?

Truth is, I get overwhelmed a lot. With emotion over any given situation/event that I'm dealing with at the time. But, I try to deal with it all with grace and patience..... I just usually fail miserably. 

I don't have much patience, in general. I don't know why... but if I have to wait for ANYthing, it's usually pretty much a failed effort after the first ten minutes. I guess patience is kind of a hard thing to come by with anyone these days.... the world wants everything NOW and I've come to realize that waiting is usually just an annoyance that most people can't afford anymore. 

Today, I took Ethan to Mcdonalds for lunch. I try really hard to remind myself A LOT throughout the day to "be in the moment" with my kids. Especially when I only see one of my kids roughly 8 weeks out of the year.... but I digress.... So, in an effort to "be in the moment" today, I made it a point not to open the laptop OR the tablet that I'd brought into Mcdonalds (Mcdonalds has free wifi, so I tend to gravitate there a lot if I have work to do online and I want to get out of the house to do it).... Well, I made it a point not to open either device and to actually -gasp- have a conversation with my 2.5 year old at lunch. 

Anyway, he finished most of his lunch, and in an effort to "treat" him for this, I let him have his toy to play with while we were still there. I was showing him how to work the toy, and he; like his mommy; got very impatient and took the toy from me to try and figure it out himself. I watched him for a second, Mr. Independent that he is... and I wondered as I saw his face intent and hard staring at this toy and trying to figure it out; and then growing frustrated and impatient and throwing it down on the floor and running away. I picked it up and called him back over to the table. I said "Let mommy show you how it works, ok?" And he responded with "o-k mommy"..... 

The next ten minutes was spent with him and I laughing and going back and forth with this toy; making the disc fly into the air, and he was cracking up. It's the kind of laugh that makes me smile just thinking back on it now......

We left the restaurant and were walking back to the car. I was telling him we had to hurry because we were heading somewhere else... Well, every mom knows that when you tell a kid to hurry.... well, it never goes well. 

Anyway, He was being quite the slow poke getting in his seat, and I got a bit frustrated and rolled my eyes and sighed. Well, it was then that the elderly lady that was sitting in the car next to us opened her door and said to me "I just wanted to tell you--- I've been watching you with him in the restaurant and now-- and you have incredible patience with him" That, of course, made me smile and thank her and feel so grateful for the opportunity to truly know what it means to "be in the moment". To have the ability to make memories with my kids. To be able to give them memories that they may or may not remember for a long time to come.... or may or may not think about on those moments or days or times when they need something to chase that black cloud away. 

I don't have a lot of money, and god knows I can't take my kids on cruises or to disney world every year; and god knows there are times more often than I'd like to think about that I am literally contemplating if I will have to break into my kids' piggy banks for gas money today..... but I have faith and somehow, someway..... it always seems to be just enough. 

I try to teach my kids to appreciate what they have. That is probably one of the most important lessons I want to instill in them. Be grateful for what you have, and APPRECIATE the sacrifices and work and efforts that went into getting you what you have. Take nothing for granted. That's really important to me to teach my boys. 

What's the most important lesson you hope to bestow upon yours?

Until next time,
Just another one.

In case you were wondering.... it's been hard. 

The pain that has been in my life has been incredibly hard. But the joy that I have felt and the memories that I hold onto in my heart make the pain less hardened. 

I have two amazing children. 

Ethan, who is 2.5 is a strong willed, fiercely independent, incredibly frustrating, amazingly sweet little boy. He's 2, going on 30... which is a fantastic thing to watch every day because he was born 2 months premature. Ethan gave me the most difficult time on his journey into the world. I questioned everything and all of me every single day. I'll talk more about that later.

Elijah, well he's my wonderful, trying, impatient, affectionate 9.5 year old. Elijah is my heart. He's my number 1, my first.... my loyal, loving, little man. He has always been so loving to us; even when the world doesn't seem right to him. Even when people say or do bad things in front of; to; or around him. Elijah is the reason I still have faith. 

My children are where crazy meets laughter. 

On any given day, I question myself a million and one times. Just like any other mom. Ever since finding out about being pregnant with Elijah, and then 8 years later,  Ethan.... I've often wondered if I've been unknowingly cast in a neverending episode of "Punked!" or "Candid Camera!" .... between trying to juggle parenting a child that lives 500 miles away; and trying to be an advocate for a 2.5 year old mildly special needs child.... There isn't more than a minute or two that is actually MINE in a day, even long after said children are long asleep in bed. 

Take, for instance, the fact that right now, I am half watching a movie on lifetime. I've rewound the same 30 second dialogue between one semi-homicidal wife and her ex nanny-turned-lover to her husband. (I think that's what I've gotten out of the three times I've half listened to it anyway)... while I'm doing this, I'm also watching Ethan sleep, and running through in my mind if I remembered A-Z of the list of routine bedtime functions we do daily. Is it warm enough in here? Is he wearing warm enough PJ's? Is he sweating? Did I remember to kiss him goodnight? Was I too impatient with him today? Did I yell at him a lot? What is it that I am supposed to take him to tomorrow again? Wait.... HOW the hell can he possibly SLEEP like THAT?? 

See what I mean? Where the crazy meets laughter. 

Until next time,
Just another one.